Trust, A Requiem

Trust.
Such a simple word.
Can I trust you?
Can you trust me?
The remnants of our trust lie all around me like shards of shattered glass.
Cold and brilliant,
They cut into my soul like a blade
And the blood drips black red through my fingers,
My essence seeping from the wound,
Glistening in the darkness.

Urawaza.
And so the secret tricks continue,
On both sides,
Despite the hollow ring of our dead voices claiming otherwise.
And the gulf between us, which was narrowing, widens again.
My heart grows cold,
My soul fades in the pale twilight of our connection,
And the blood drips black red through my fingers.

Now, in the dark world where I dwell,
Ugly things,
And surprising things,
And sometimes little wondrous things,
Spill out in me constantly,
And I can count on nothing.

Fear Is The Little-Death

The Litany Against Fear is a fictional incantation spoken by characters in Frank Herbert’s 1965 novel Dune, and its sequels, in order to focus their minds in times of peril. The Litany is as follows:

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

This incantation originates from the Bene Gesserit. Paul Atreides, the son of Duke Leto Atreides, uses it when the Reverend Mother Gaius Helen Mohiam compels him to put his right hand in a black box for the Death/Alternative test. The test uses extreme physical pain to produce evidence of his humanity. While doing so Mohiam holds a needle with deadly poison, known as the gom jabbar or “high-handed enemy,” to his neck. Paul must endure the agony as a demonstration of the strength of his mental willpower over his physical instincts.

The litany restores focus and relaxation to those who recite it. As calmness returns, Paul says “Get on with it, old woman.”

I too have been enduring a test of my own humanity over the past month, enduring emotional pain not physical; confronting my personal gom jabbar in the form of my wife’s declared soul connection with another Dom, my fear of her love for him held like a poison needle to my own neck.

And the agony of this has at times been unbearable; more painful and soul destroying than I ever thought possible, and the “high handed enemy” has come oh so very close to breaking me.

But it hasn’t and it won’t…

I will face my fear and where the fear has gone there will be nothing.

Only I will remain.

“Get on with it old woman.”

The True Test of Civilisation

“The true test of civilisation is not the census,
nor the size of cities, nor the crops – no,
but the kind of man the country turns out.”
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

HAPPINESSISNOWHERE

HAPPINESSISNOWHERE

What do you see when you read the phrase above?

There are always two distinct answers, one being happiness is nowhere and the other being happiness is now here

Often then..

the difference between “happiness is nowhere” and “happiness is now here” has something to do with the event, and everything to do with how you see the event. Your perception is key.

On Urawaza, Trust and Happiness

Urawaza is an interesting phrase; it means “secret tricks” in Japanese.

And it has some relevance in my life at the moment, as TDL and I continue to work through our trust issues, in order to get ourselves on a stable foundation to move our relationship forward.

We have both done things (past and present) that we regret, and that have hurt the other, and Urawaza hits the spot when describing the antics that have gone on.

I for one, have found myself annoyed (well actually, fucked off) at my ongoing inability to shake my trust issues with TDL. I have seen that each time it’s bubbled up from inside me, it has actually driven TDL away, and I feel we take a backwards step, when we need to be moving forward together.

So, today with the benefit of having some rare free time to myself to just think, I made the connection that I think might just knock me out of this negative loop.

I never thought I would say this, but a book recommended by Oprah has actually given me some good insights. I’ve only just started it, but Happiness Now by Robert Holden looks like a real keeper.

My problem at the moment is that I am allowing myself to look back at the past, thinking that I need the pain of past betrayals to give me the strength needed to grow in the present. And I think at the start of my journey that I did need this, as there is nothing like pain to give oneself clarity of vision. But now the constant revisiting of the past is becoming an obstruction to my growth.

My focus needs to change to the Now, not to the past which I cannot change, nor to the future which is an unknown.

And when I look at my Now, there is much to feel good and hopeful about. A Now that is full of honesty, promise, and the excitement of starting a new journey.

Finishing with a quote from the book:

There’s a famous story from the Zen tradition that tells of an encounter between a young, eager student and a well-respected Zen master, noted especially for his perpetual grace and happiness:

“Master, I dream of everlasting happiness. What is the highest wisdom that you can teach me?” asked the student.
The master smiled. He took his brush and wrote, as if for the first time: “Attention.”
“Wonderful,” said the student, “and what comes next after attention?”
The master smiled. He took his brush and wrote, as if for the first time: “Attention. Attention.”
“Yes”, nodded the student, utterly perplexed. “Anything more?”
The master smiled. He took his brush and wrote, as if for the first time: “Attention. Attention. Attention.”
“Okay, so what does ‘attention’ mean?” asked the student, unable to see.
The master spoke: “Attention means attention.”
“Is that all?” asked the student, obviously dispirited.
“Attention is all,” said the master. “Without attention, happiness is nowhere; with attention, happiness is now here. Attention is freedom from all. Attention offers all.”

Now is sacred! This is what the Zen master is trying to tell the eager young student.

A Valediction

Since his sharp sight has taught you
To think your own thoughts and to see
What cramped horizons my arms brought you,
Turn then and go free,

Unlimited, your own
Forever. Let your vision be
In your own interests; you’ve outgrown
All need for tyranny.

May his clear views save you
From those shrewd, undermining powers
That hold you close just to enslave you
In some love such as ours.

May this new love leave you
Your own being; may your bright rebirth
Prove treacherous, change then and deceive you
Never on this earth.

Now that you’ve seen how mindless
Our long ties were, I pray you never
Find, all your life through, such a blindness
As we two shared together.

My dark design’s exposed
Since his tongue opened up your eyelids;
May no one ever lip them closed
So cunningly as I did.

- W.D. Snodgrass

Don’t Forget It’s Ok To Dance

Saturday night, TDL at a friend’s house, and the kids are all asleep.

And here I am in the lounge, Kevin Saunderson’s RA podcast on the stereo, dancing by myself.

And life is good.

God, I love Detroit techno.

For everyone out there, it is always ok to dance. Always.

One of life’s greatest joys …

Windows To The Soul

A woman’s eyes are definitely something that attracts me, and I have always been someone who believes in the old adage that the eyes are the window to the soul.

To that end, I took the following self-portrait today, applied some primitive Photoshop skills to it (God, that program is frustrating when you are a bumbling amateur), and used it as my new profile picture on Alt.com, which I recently joined as part of my D/s exploration.

I can’t get enough of a human iris, what an amazingly beautiful product of evolution (or intelligent design, if that’s your thing); and the pupil, what a deep, black well into the human soul….

Whenever I look at the complex colours and patterns in the iris, I can’t help but think of photos of nebulae or vast gas clouds in some distant galaxy (you know the ones, captured by the Hubble Space Telescope and the like).

And how poetic, to see the majestic beauty of the universe reflected in the beauty of a person’s eye.

Because of this, I have always loved to look deeply into my special one’s eyes and really see them, and drink of their soul. So much so that I prefer having my eyes open when kissing, with nothing hidden from sight when looking at my other.

It’s something I’ve missed in recent times…

For those interested, do a search online for a photographer called Rankin, who shot the most awesome collection of eye photos, called Eyescapes. Beauty indeed in the smallest of things.

And to finish off this post, a poem (by Nicholas Gordon), which I have applied some minor editing to so that it more appropriately reflects my state of mind today:

Your Eyes Won’t Let My Thoughts Go Back to Sleep

Your eyes won’t let my thoughts go back to sleep.
Your words draw me across 2000 miles.
I don’t know you at all, and yet I know
You better than my friends of many years.

The days I spent with you are like a tape
I play, rewind, play, rewind, and play.
Whenever I remember something new,
I feel as though you touched me on the cheek.

I miss you as the grass awaits the wind,
Or as the morning sky awaits the sun.

Patience Is Power

Patience is power; with time and patience the mulberry leaf becomes silk.
- Chinese proverb

Down in Splendour

May is New Zealand Music Month, so in keeping with that, thought I’d post this video from one of my all time favourite Kiwi bands.

A beautiful song with beautiful lyrics. This one goes out to TDL…

Hey down in splendour, join the slide
Standing on the seashore and the tide
Comes rolling through your eyes
You’ve got no place to go
Comes rolling through your mind
You’ve got no one to know
Hey down in splendour, take a bow
Blinded in the white light and the crowd
Die slowly in your arms
You’re left to lie alone
And save your face of changing colour
And your smile of fading colour
‘Cause you’ll never find another
Who will give you ever after
And you shouldn’t have to say goodbye
And wonder if this way is how
It’s going to be…