Trust, Revisited

Fuck, even I am getting tired of my ongoing struggle to resolve my trust issues with my wife.

A much smarter person than me made a good point this morning when I was discussing this with her.

The advice she gave me was along the lines that I should never expect to control anything (or anyone) but myself and my own behaviour and actions.

I can’t try and place limits on my wife and her behaviour as some way of compensating for my own fears and insecurities about our relationship.

Because at the end of the day, no matter what limits I might try and impose, opportunity exists everywhere in our daily lives for both of us to seek out other connections if we desire, whether that’s in the workplace, through daycare or school communities, or online through places like ALT.

And therein lies the paradox of trust.

In order to move forward, I need to focus on myself first, and the relationship I have with my wife, and the connection that I have with her, as these are the only things that I CAN have an influence over.

If I do that, instead of dwelling constantly on things over which I have no control, then everything else will fall into place.

And if doesn’t, well then, that’s the nature of love I guess.

You need to put yourself out there knowing that nothing is guaranteed and you may still fall flat on your face despite everything.

It’s a big call to make, given the pain and mistakes of the past.

But least I will have tried.

And the possible rewards are so great, I’d be a fool not to.

And if the worst does happen, then I will pick myself up, dust myself off, and life will carry on.

C’est la vie.

I can do this.

I can.

I can.

Take the leap.

~ by Madron on June 4, 2008.