Of Pain And Blackness
Recent weeks have been a roller coaster for me, with some stunning emotional highs and some despairingly deep lows.
I have to admit that I am at times finding it hard to function normally, and this is one of those low days where I am struggling to focus on work and everyday tasks.
Real life of course is never simple.
TDL and I have lived a shallow vanilla marriage for many years where we have been walled off from each other, deeply unsatisfied and unhappy; not revealing to each other our true natures, wants and desires.
This all changed a few weeks ago when TDL told me that she had been secretly exploring her submissive nature for some time and that, amongst other things, she had established a deep soul connection with a Dom through the alt.com community.
She had not yet taken it further than an initial face-to-face meeting and shared kiss, but she disclosed that she desired to ‘open’ our marriage and enter on a D/s path with him.
My feelings on this have been mixed and many, to say the least. Having suppressed my own Dom nature for so many years now, a consequence of both religious and social upbringing, and a fear of rejection by my partner; my joy at finally finding my wife’s nature to be a true complement to mine was overwhelming.
But the pain I have felt at her connection to this other has seared me to the bottom of my soul. At this stage in my own journey, I am not polyamorous, and I can only be in a monogamous D/s relationship.
Maybe as a beginner on the path, I am placing too much weight on the D/s connection, but for me I want a total mind, body, and soul connection with my One. TDL is that One for me. The mother of my children, my best friend, and at last I have discovered, someone with a dark inner nature to match my own.
So I have insisted that a relationship with another Dom other than myself is off limits. I cannot share her, and I know in my heart that were she to start on the path with another, her nature is such that she would never return. Selfish as it is, I can’t do this to myself or my children. Everything I have always desired is within my grasp, and it was there all along, hidden in plain view. The tragedy of losing her to another now would be too hard to bear.
I’m no fool however, and I know my limits have set us on a difficult course, where the outcome is unknown and success not guaranteed. Two novices on the path together. I can sense her inner turmoil; a heart which is now with another, and yet her mind is loyal to me and to our children. All of which is tempered for her by a sense of long lost hope that at last we can have the connection with each other which we have always yearned for.
And today is one of those days where I know her thoughts and desires are with him, and not me. And so today I feel pain and I stare into blackness.
But even in my despair, I also know the world is dark no longer, the sun is shining on this cold afternoon, and the day will begin anew again tomorrow, another step in the journey. I will prevail.
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